I like the United States. I like national politics. But I don’t like “American Execptionalism” so I decided to have a little fun with the 2014 State of the Union.

Here are my live tweets of the POTUS’s speech. Redacted, of course.

“…but the state of our union is [snarky and overreactive].” 

“Today in America, a teacher [spent her own money to buy supplies for kids]…” 

“And here are the results of our efforts [insert awesome here… and you still don’t like me]…” 

“If you work hard and take responsibility [some corporation will still stick it to you]” 

“As usual, our First Lady [is the subject of fashion bloggers]”

“When people come here to live their dreams, [we judge them cause most of them aren’t white.]” 

“It’s not just oil and natural gas that is booming. [Have you paid attention to Beyonce lately? She dropped that album on the fly, y’all.]”

“Both Democrats and Republicans have argued that [the American people must be crazy for continuing to send you jokers to Washington]”

Tonight I ask Congress to [actually vote on something, anything. Please?]”

“This son of a factory worker just found out that [he’s going to be in debt because] he’s going to college this fall.” 

“I do not expect to convince my Republican friends [that I was born in America].” 

“Kids, call your mom. [No, really. CALL YOUR MOTHER.]” 

“Tonight I’ve asked VP Biden [to please continue speaking without thinking because he makes me look REALLY good.]”

“While our relationship with Afghanistan will change [Rick Astley will still not give up on them].” 

“We are clear eyed about Iran’s support for terrorist organizations like [Bielebers].” 

“My fellow Americans, no other country does what we do. [We have TMZ and Perez Hilton].” 

“[And can I just give a shout out to the lady in the fur coat?]” 

“Join the rest of the country: [Make Boehner uncomfortable by talking about a living wage]”

“As a parent as well as a President [I am exhausted].”

“And may God Bless America [cause Lord knows we need it].” 

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